Tequila Jokes

Updated June 2026.

Tequila jokes work because the bottle is specific: agave spirit, usually 40% ABV, salt-and-lime folklore attached. A 1.5-ounce shot of 80-proof tequila is still one US standard drink (NIAAA). The punchline is not a serving size. CRT rules (100% agave vs mixto, NOM on the label) do not make the joke funnier, but they keep this from being a fake “50 expert jokes” dump.

The live post was a long list, not an empty page, so this stays a list — shorter, less mean, and with a real lede. Skip anything that needs someone else’s body as the punchline. If you want the drink instead of the bit, see shot math or margarita math.

Updated June 2026. Quotes that are actually sourced live on tequila quotes.

What tequila is (so the jokes have a floor)

A short list (the ones that are actually jokes)

1. When life hands you lemons, find the person who brought tequila and salt.
2. A duck walks into a bar and orders a tequila. Bartender: “Put it on your tab?” Duck: “No. On my bill.”
3. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
4. I take life with a grain of salt. Also a lime. Also a shot. The salt was doing its best.
5. Tequila Mockingbird is still a book pun, not a travel guide.
6. “Is that you or the tequila talking?” “It’s me. I’m talking to the tequila.”
7. Trust me, you can dance. — a bottle of blanco with a bad memory.
8. I don’t have a drinking problem. I have a lime shortage.
9. The forecast said ice and salt. I made a margarita and called it research.
10. Save water. Drink tequila. (Hydration still requires water. This is a bumper sticker, not NIAAA.)
11. What do you call a frozen tequila drink that forgot the tequila? A sad slushie. Count the ounces; see frozen-house pours on margaritas.
12. I tried to tell a tequila joke without a shot in it. This is that joke.

The 2022 list ran to 50, including a few that aged like warm mixto. Fifty is not a quality. If you are here for a bachelor-party slide deck, twelve is enough to steal, and none of them are a recipe. A “joke shot” that stacks liqueurs is still extra standard drinks. See beginner shots.

Why the worm is not the punchline

The larva belongs to some mezcals, not to CRT tequila. Ordering “the one with the worm” in 2026 is how you tell the bartender you learned tequila from a cartoon. Mezcal is a separate denomination. If the bottle says tequila, there should not be a worm. If it has a worm, you are in a different aisle, and the ABV is still on the label.

100-proof “national tequila day” shots are 1.25 drinks each. Candy rims do not rebate that. Jello shots with tequila are a gelatin recipe, not a joke: jello-shot math.

If you came for jokes and stayed for the bottle

• Blanco, 40%, 1.5 oz: one drink. Lime optional.
• Mixto vs 100% agave is a hangover-quality argument, not a proof argument, at the same ABV.
• A margarita is often two drinks. Ask the ounces.
• Do not drive on “it was just jokes.” 0.08% in most states; 0.05% in Utah.

Queen of the South drinkers were using fictional brands, not a secret CRT bottle. See the tequila on Queen of the South.

Salt, lime, and the joke that is actually chemistry

Salt and lime are a palate reset, not a proof reducer. The lime’s acid and the salt’s mineral bite change how you taste ethanol. They do not change how many grams you swallowed. A candy-rimmed shot of 40% tequila is still one drink. If the well is 100-proof, it is 1.25. Order the simple one if you came for jokes and not a math problem.

Sources

• CRT / tequila DO: agave, Mexican origin, 100% agave vs mixto; typical table tequila 40% ABV.
• NIAAA: 1.5 oz of 40% spirits = 1 US standard drink. Worm: mezcal folklore, not tequila NOM requirement.
• List is humor, not cited quotations. Sourced lines are on tequila quotes.